Journal

The elephant in the room

August 24, 2015

We woke to a soft blue sky and a warm golden sun peeping out over the mountains. I smiled and called to you that it was a beautiful day, and you scratched Chico behind the ears.  I poured water over coffee beans, and cooked bacon until it was crispy.  We ate and smiled at each other contentedly. Later we walked next to the ocean, gazing at the suns reflection as it danced on the surface of the water. We talked about how different our lives would be in a few short months, and our voices rose and fell as the emotion leaked into them. Before long the elephant in the room appeared from its hiding place and stood right in front of us.  I said to you “I understand what you’re giving up to do this, I know your putting your career on hold to travel with me” and you said to me “I know you need to travel; I know you need to get out of New Zealand and get your career started. And I want to travel too.” My heart filled with love at the same time as sadness washed over me. My eyes filled with tears that slowly rolled down my cheeks.  I turned and gazed at the horizon trying to draw strength, trying to find it within myself to tell you ‘let’s just go for one year, and I’ll figure the rest out’. But I couldn’t. So I cried more deeply still wishing I were stronger, and wasn’t so selfish and wishing things were different.  You asked why I was crying and I lied and told you the wind was stinging my eyes, and gradually the elephant in the room slunk back into its hiding place.

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