I wish I could split myself in two. I would take one half of me on far away adventures meeting new people, trying new things, exploring new worlds – and leave one half behind, right here, right now or better yet a few weeks ago before everything was changing.
Last week we sold our coffee table and as I watched it being carried away a crack appeared in my heart. It was the table where we have eaten countless meals together and with visiting family and friends. It was where we’ve rested our feet as we sit together and read on a sunny afternoon, and where I’ve written everything from my thesis to poems. All those moments seemed to be taken away with the table and I was left feeling empty and sad. Last night Guy started pulling down our inspiration wall and I stood in the middle of the lounge watching him with tears streaming down my cheeks so slowly they tickled my skin. How many time had we sat on the couch with a glass of wine in hand and gazed at that wall? How many discussions had we had about the proverbs displayed there? How many times had I found solace in a picture or quote when I was having a hard day?
I wanted this change, I wanted all of it and more. I wanted it so deeply that I needed it. But now it’s here I don’t want it. I want to stay in my kitchen and keep cooking with familiar ingredients. I want to stay with my family and friends, and our part time cat. I want things to go back to normal and stay the same. But I don’t. Not really.
I’m trying to be gentle and kind with myself, and give myself the time I need to adjust and work through these changes. But I’m frustrated with myself – ‘you wanted this’ I tell myself ‘you got exactly what you wanted’. Now I see that our desires are never as simple as they appear. They are never one dimensional, nor are they clear, and mostly they aren’t monolithic. They are fluid and hazy, without a distinct form or function, existing to give structure to feelings that are in themselves formless and multidimensional.
I’m taking a deep breath, closing my eyes, and stepping over the edge. And I’m trusting in the magic of new beginnings.
P.S I am loving the change in season – spring blossoms make my heart sing.